I’m posting this in lieu of actual entertainment. It’s an email exchange with an insurance salesman. It came out of nowhere and was addressed to “Kevin Healy,” which ain’t me. The subject line was, “I am currently at work putting together a quote.”
This was sent to a common-word gmail address I’ve had forever that gets an unusual amount of weird mail. Why people type email addresses that they don’t own into forms when they want a response is a mystery to me, but then most things people do are a mystery to me…
Dear Kevin Healy,
If you’re looking for a great insurance quote I’M THERE
Thank you for inviting State Farm® to give you an insurance quote. Your information has been safely received, and I am currently at work putting together a quote that meets all your needs and includes all the discounts you deserve.
You can expect to receive your finished quote shortly. In the meantime, if you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to give me a call at 770-985-XXXX.
1608 Tree Lane, Bldg B, Suite 200
Snellville, GA 300782391
A few details: I am about to set off on a trip through Central and South America in a Winnebago with a small film crew making a documentary about Extreme Cage Fighting. We will be carrying a portable ring/cage with us and set up shop in small towns.
I intend to take on all comers using local rules. Which means I may be facing opponents with clubs, sharp cutting implements and maybe even crude firearms. As you might imagine, it could get dangerous and I need umbrella coverage for myself and my crew. We are on a tight budget though, so I need something in the range of $100 per man. But again, it has to be good coverage because we expect trouble.
Let me know what you can do for me. We leave in six days.
Woa, hold on. I thought htis was an auto insurance quote. I don’t think I can provide a policy that you need for your trip. Are you seriously doing what you described?
Okay, you caught me. Busted! Ha ha. I didn’t describe the trip quite as accurately as I might have.
The documentary is going to be kind of an Andy Kaufman type thing. We will roll into town and set up our ring/cage, and then I will go to local bars or saloons and try to stir up some discontent and animosity by insulting the town and the people in it. Call their women pigs, the men cowards – that kind of thing. THEN I challenge people to step into my ring. You can see that there is much more drama in that approach than simple extreme wrestling or hand to hand combat without any personal investment.
I want the locals to be full of hatred when they step into the ring/cage. That kind of Thunderdome bloodlust will make for a compelling movie. If we can pull it off I expect to win a lot of awards at the festivals and then go straight to DVD. Direct marketing, that’s where the money is.
So let me know what we’re up against here. We hit the road in 5 days and I need coverage.
I’m sorry, I will not be able to help you. And I think you should reconsider your trip. It sounds like a good way to get you and your crew killed. No one will insure your project.
Is there anyone else I can speak to in your office that is willing to write us up? I am aware that it sounds risky, but maybe you just aren’t the man for the job. No offense. This just might be out of your league.
No no no. Please do not email me again.
As you wish. I will send you a DVD. No hard feelings.