Those wacky bastards at the social security administration sent me my yearly social security statement today, and it’s a real eye opener, I tell ya.

For instance, during the 1980s I lived on an average of $8,107.60 a year. It’s really quite disheartening to see your working life summed up in quaint little numbers like that.

These listings go back to 1977, when I left home late in the year to prove how bitchin’ I was, and made a whopping $526. But you know, that’s 526 1977 dollars! Probably worth $1500 or so now (actually, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics inflation calculator, it’s $1624.62 in 2003 dollars).

Continue reading “Every mikkle make a muckle (ask a Jamaican what it means)”

I made it home from work tonight.

That may not sound like a great accomplishment, but consider the fact that my car was rear-ended by a drunk lunatic in a rainstorm about 2 years ago, and after finding out that my expensive insurance didn’t cover the damage (because I didn’t get a license number), I let the car sit at the curb like a sad, crumpled loser for about a year until I got a job I had to drive to, at which time I yanked the collapsed wheel well away from the tire, sawed off the part of the bumper that was hanging down on to the ground, and drove the thing to work.

Continue reading “Let’s get ready to rumble”

Our local chain grocery store has undergone a painful six month remodel and is now open again, all shiny and new with a Starbucks and a deli, and it no longer leaks big puddles of water around the frozen foods, or smells weird in back, by the bottled water.

Anyway, the only “improvement'” we make use of is the deli, where I was today, getting some thinly sliced Swiss cheese.

“How much do you want?”

Continue reading “It’s all cow, after all”

If we needed any more proof that the earth is hurtling toward Armageddon at an all new super-sized pace, it is still ridiculously hot here in beautiful Los Angeles. 88 degrees and climbing as I type this. This has been the summer from hell everywhere and it continues without mercy.

Not only that, but last night I had to murder a two inch long scorpion that was found trotting down our hallway. It was on the way to the bedroom no doubt, where it would have waited patiently to kill us.

Continue reading “Boggle: to hesitate as if in fear or doubt”

I went to Schwartz bakery on Melrose to get a special birthday cake for Carol, and before I went she typed to me (I was at work), “Get some fresh holy bread.” I typed back, “Holy bread?” And she said, “Yeah, it’s yummy!” Okay, holy bread. What do I know.

So I walk into Schwartz and ask about the cake, and the ancient woman behind the counter says, “HAAAAH?” every time I say anything, so I just figure she’s old and half deaf and this is the way it’s going to go.

Continue reading “This is what I get for leaving the house”