The Land of the Lost, without the Sleestaks

praying120x189Well, this is pretty cool; In a nutshell, this guy, Mark Heard, is running a service that will contact your loved ones for you, via email, after the “rapture.”

The rapture, in case you didn’t know, is when JESUS comes and takes all the boys and girls who have behaved and eaten their vegetables up to heaven to prance around forever in white robes and watch the rest of us suffer an eternity under the thumb of the beast SATAN.

(Don’t know what that means? Imagine you’re the guy in the movie Apocalypto who’s being chased, only instead of running for a day or two, you have to run forever and the guys who are chasing you keep shooting you with arrows and spears and you’re bleeding and stumbling and you can’t breathe, and all the time this is happening your wife and kids are drowning in a pit full of wet howler monkeys she had to beat to death with a stick, and you can’t get to them to help – I think it’s kind of like that – forever).

Now, by Mark’s logic, if you can send an email to people after JESUS has taken you away, they will be convinced that you weren’t full of crap with all the JESUS talk, and they will then, naturally, pledge their lives to JESUS somehow (I guess you will send them instructions), and be SAVED.


There’s lots more to it, of course. For all the fascinating details of how it works, you really should go read the site for yourself. It will only take a few minutes. Mark is not the long-winded type.

But first, I have to ask you rapture-ites; what’s the deal with this rapture of yours? I mean, first, it happens, right? Everyone who is “chosen” is taken away, ascending a beautiful beam of light and traveling up to the mothership, just like in those UFO movies or 1970s Parliament-Funkadelic concerts, right?

Okay, but then how do I follow you up a few days later? Will the beam make a second appearance? Is this rapture open for a certain number of days? If so, how long can I wait? Doesn’t a second chance kind of defeat the purpose of believing in the first place? Will these questions be answered in the email?

I want to believe (you could say that I pray) that this is an elaborate hoax. I think it’s very funny, hoax or not. And even funnier, I suppose, if a gaggle of glassy-eyed jackasses PayPal this dink $40 for the privilege of uploading their sensitive financial documents to his server. This is actually only another weeding out of the stupid if it’s for real, so what the hell.

But it got me thinking about this rapture thing. I always assumed it was biblical in origin, but actually it is not. It was cooked up by shysters in the 1830s. That’s right, there’s really no part of the bible describing this rapture that the rapture-ites believe they will experience.

Well, let me take that back – there are those who believe that it is indeed there in the new testament, and those who do not believe it is there.

So, bottom line, the people who believe that the bible is the unassailable word of GOD can’t even agree on what it says. That isn’t surprising considering the Rorschach-like “whatever you think it says” vagueness employed throughout the book.

Ah, I do love people who pray to JESUS! I tell you, I can’t get enough of them. They’re the best show out there.

I just need to start a movement to convince them that JESUS doesn’t want them to vote, drive cars or procreate. Once I have that licked, it’ll really be paradise on earth.

Well, in the U.S. anyway.

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